i'm hot and i'm cold, i'm yes and i'm no

Katy Perry's song is just about right for me. I'm so messed up it's crazy! Like literally I don't even know what to do anymore. If I could take back time, I would. I wish it didn't hurt so bad. I wish it was something I could just deal with...but I can't. It's always there living in my gut. And the only thing I can keep asking myself is "whyy meeee??" Can anyone answer that? Nope, you can't. Because what happened was totally unexpected. UGH. help help helppp.

On a brighter note. I work now! So I'm making some money but I still have time to hang with my friends and do the fun summer stuff. Also, my sister is coming home in a little over a week! It's gonna be great to have the family together again! Kody is home for this week so I'm planning on seeing him too. Then he goes back to the marines:( Then T comes home in over a week too! There is sooo much going on! Can't wait!!

Ok so I have to blog about this really quick... Do you watch Pretty Little Liars??? OMG I love that show it's so great. If you are a girl I would def recommend it. abcfamily;)

alright well I'm off to watch so you think you can dance!

Take care:)

let everything happen on it's own.

Hey viewers, sorry it's been a long time. I've been extremely busy. BUT I finally got a job!!!! I start this Wednesday at the Hampton. I'm pretty excited. It feels great to at last be doing something. Now all I have to do is finish getting into Millersville and I'll be great!

So let's just say that things have been going really well. Better than I thought they ever would again. But recently I've been thinking about the past and some painful memories were starting to come back. However, I realized that I just need to block those memories and just concentrate on me. If I keep thinking of stuff that happened then I'm just going to continue to hurt, and I don't need that bullshit anymore. So, from now on I'm just going to take things slow and let everything happen on it's own. Yep, that's what needs to happen.


Oh! and my bestie Greta is going to Sweden to visit my best friend Jeanne! I love you girlsss!!! Wish I was with youuu.

Harrisburg, please give me a job.

I am so mad that I don't have a job. I've applied for 15 places! 15!!!!! By tomorrow it should be over 20. Harrisburg sucks. Well, actually the america does right now, but whatever.

Today was fun...Hung out with my girls, Greta and Giana. Thursday I'm going to Dinner with Giana and her mom, then sleepover and swimming on Friday! I can't wait. It will be fun.

So I made these really awesome plans next weekend with 3 other people, and I'm afraid they aren't going to work. It's suppose to be a road trip/ reunion. We'll see I guess. I'll let you know what happens ;)


ttyl...

I get by with a little help from my friends.

It's been awhile since I've written. Sorry! I have been trying to get a job like crazy. I think it's been 15 places that I've applied for now. Yeah...nothing. Ugh! It is sooo fustrating. Everyone is saying it's going to be really hard to get a job this summer. Yep, they were right.

Anyways. Everything else is going well. Got into Millersville, part-time. Which is good because I will be able to work and go visit friends on weekends. It looks like I won't be taking any trips this June, but whatever. I should be working anyways. Chelsea and T are coming home for 4th of July! Yay! It should be fun. I've been clearing my head lately, and just realizing some stuff. It's starting to work.

Giana and I went to the park yesterday and had the best conversation ever. Talked about pretty much everything. That made me feel great. She honestly knows how I feel and she doesn't judge me for the decisions I make. My bestfriendforever(: I think she is the only person who I honestly open up too. And thats fine with me because I would only like one person knowing how crazy I am :P Then after the park, Greta, Emma,Lex and me went to panera for dinner and then to target and the mall. Went hottubbing and got 3 great movies. Sleepover at my house! It was the best. I love my friends...and lex! haha.

I want to forget.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD.


It would be so much easier if I could just forget. But I remember everything.

i want to forget so that I can start over and be over this whole issue. But deep down I don't think it will change. Not the part of me forgetting, but the part of why I'm trying to forget. I'm sorry if you don't follow what I'm saying. This is kinda just me thinking in my head. This is also the whole reason I started a blog. To write what's in my head and get it out. Ever since it ended. (most of you know what I'm talking about.) Hoping that you read this.. But anyways, I wish I knew that fixing things would be the best option...but what if it's not? What if it's just not worth it? I get that feeling sometimes. Ughh. Life is so difficult. Like I don't want to waste my time if I'm not going to get something I deserve in return. It should just come naturally for you to do that. Ah! Look at me. All I do is complain and talk about my dumb problems. Sorry folks! I just really had to make a point tonight. But I heart you all and hope you have a great day:)


doe a deer, a female deer
;)

Back and Forth.

One second I'm feeling this way, the next second I'm lost. It's back and forth. I wish I would have a constant direction of how I want things to go...but I don't. So how are you suppose to know? If someone can answer that, please tell me. I only want things to get better. But I'm afraid that when they do, anything could happen again. Gah! My head is going crazy. I had a huge headache all day today, and today was the least unproductive day since I've been home. Wow, that sentence had the word 'day' in there alot. Hahah. Anyways, all I'm saying is that I don't want to make a mistake...but I don't know which way to go. My feelings seriously can change in less than a minute. And NO, they are not mood swings...or are they? Don't answer that.

Oh hey mom!

Hey everyone. Lately I've been applying for more jobs and trying to get into college. I just found out that I have to apply for this different thing for Millersville. So tomorrow is going to be a busy day. I have to get things done. I'm going out to get 2 more applications tomorrow. Hopefully one of them will be the lucky winners. I'm for real down to like $2. hahah yikes!

So I've been feeling really good lately. Not about anyone in particular, but just about myself. I'm so glad I decided to go to college and have a life for myself. That's what I really want. To be successful...and happy of course. All this happiness might have to do with the weather. It was so pretty out today. I really hope it stays like that! Greta, Giana and I went to swattera park yesterday and we had some really interesting stories :P kinda makes me miss last summer...where things were perfect! I hope this summer can be just as good, or better!

Haha today was my mom's birthday and we took her dinner and got her presents and whatnot, but what was really interesting was what we were talking about tonight. Somehow we got on the subject of well, sex. We were just openly disscussing it like it was no big deal. I never really felt comfortable to talk about it, but tonight was actually quite funny. So my mom just came out, asked the question and I told her the truth. I mean, I wouldn't have lied to her but still. So things are a little different between us, but in a good way I think. Another thing...I can't believe I'm writing this in my blog. Good thing not alot of people read this!!! :)

Casa class tomorrow! Can't wait.
Peace out.

Hold up wait a minute, put a little love in it.

Things have been good here in PA. I almost got a job going, and tonight I'm figuring out Millersville! I'm soooooo nervous though:( but it's for the best! So I have to do it. May is moving so fast! It needs to slow down for second, so I can catch up to it. haha

I've been hanging with Alex alot. We are trying to get jobs together. Hopefully that works. Greta and I went to the mall today, and I got a cuuute hollister dress, plus some stuff for Jeanne!!! Jeanne, if your reading this, you got some awesome clothes from american eagle coming your way!!! hahah.

So today was slightly ruined by my older sister. She really needs to like calm down. Of course she gets freaked out when she hears something to do with T. She got all up in my business saying things that weren't even true. We are really just friends, everyone. I mean, we were together for a year. I can't just drop him. I'm sorry if you don't get that, but I really don't care what anyone thinks. I'm really gonna do what I want. K cool thanks:)

Can't get what I want.

I never get what I want. My sister might think differently, but for real...I don't. Why do things have to be so difficult? I wish I could just go do whatever I want, and nobody would have a problem with it. But unfortunately that's never how things work. Life isn't suppose to be easy. And really, I don't remember the last time it was.

Got a job interview tomorrow....finally. It's not what I wanted but I'm just gonna take it so I can start making money. It should be rather easy. We'll see. Also, I'm probably going to Millersville in the fall! Now that is something that I wanted. Haha. Hope you all have a great day :)

Meet me half way:)

As much as I think things are getting better. It's kinda like they aren't. I mean yeah, I feel better but I'm stuck. Where do we go from here? How do you know whens a good time to start fixing things? or if you should fix them at all? These are the questions that keep popping up in my head. It's quite confusing if you ask me. All I can do is just wait and see how time plays out. However I think this is going to be a good summer. Something is going to happen, I can feel it(:

Can you meet me half way

Right at the border line

That's where I'm gonna wait...for you.

Wrote those lyrics for a reason;)

Oh, and Giana. You have been a really great friend to me this last week. Thanks.

Whatever is meant to be will find it's way.

Did alot of talking today with my old friend Lenay. We are kinda in the same situation. It felt good to hear her story and just talk to someone who is going through the exact same thing. It made alot of things clear. I know what I want. I know what to do now. Thank god! I'm not a cracked shell anymore. I really am feeling better and I'm starting to think that what happened was for the best. Everything happens for a reason. I always believed that.

Getting a job...real damn soon.



-If you love somebody, let them go. If they return they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.

Looking up and moving on.

Okay, I have been so confused lately. My feelings are so tangled. There is so much going on and so much being said. What I need to do is just stop listening to everyone's stories. That's how this mess got deeper. People really need to learn how to tell the truth, and if it's not the truth, please keep your huge mouth shut. This isn't about anyone except the obvious, and if I need to talk to someone, I will. However things have gotten slightly better so hopefully we all can just move on with our lives. I'm so done talking about it, except people still bring it up and I feel the need to defend myself and explain everything. Like now. So let's all just drop it for now, so I can try to have a good summer. Oh, and please know, that this is my life, my future, my decisions, and whatever happens in it is up to me...and if I happen to make a mistake again, I'll learn from it and will be a better person.



I was mean to you in my last post. But I was just seriously upset, and you put me there. So I'm not sorry for it. However I'm not that person. I'm a naturally nice girl, and I would like that it stays that way. You haven't ruined me completely, it just felt that way for awhile. But I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My life can only get better from here, so I'm looking up and moving on.


-Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.

First thing I thought when I woke up-I am so dumb. I shouldn't be nice to you one bit. I shouldn't treat you like a human being. Everytime I go to sleep I am so happy that I will escape the pain for a couple hours, but recently you are in my dreams. So it makes it worse when I wake up. I hate this. I don't have motivation to do anything anymore. Are you happy? That you completely ruined me. Well you seem pretty okay. I mean you weren't betrayed in anyway. And whatever pain you felt, you deserved much much worse. I don't understand how you can go day to day knowing what you did, and how much you are making me hurt. How you can stand there perfectly normal in front of your parents, or how you can just eat a full course meal. Probably because you loss all interest in what we had. Your curiosity took over a couple weeks ago. You can't control yourself. I noticed that 2 nights ago. And this doesn't even matter because soon you will get back to your life again and I know that you really won't care anymore. I'm not important anymore. Yes, you will have to live with this forever, but so will I! And everytime I think of you, the bad memories come first. You can get over things alot faster than I can. I noticed that April 5. Whatever... you are not who I thought you were, or who you pretend to be. I am amazing and it is your loss. Have a GREAT life.....................not.


I am so nice these days:)

I Promise.

Home sweet home. The first day was alright. I thought everything was going okay, until Wednesday night. My life felt like it ended. I wasn't even close to what I thought the truth was. I also can't go into detail with this blog because I only want so many people to know this hurtful, and disgusting story. What happened to me though was a bitch slap in the face. Like someone just ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it. This feeling hasn't gone away, and I don't think it will for awhile. Everything is ruined. The future that 'could of been' is ruined. You think that people care about you and never want to hurt you, but clearly they don't. My first mistake was trusting you. I only wish that there was a clear sign to warn me about all this instead of just getting hurt worse and worse everyday. I can't even begin to describe the pain and suffering I have gone through...and only time will heal it. I don't know who to believe anymore. There is a different story every time. Why do people make such stupid mistakes? If you honestly cared about someone there would be no lying, hurting, or betrayal to them. Don't you get that? I don't care how much someone isn't thinking in the moment. You just don't do that shit. Ever. And you both have lost my respect, trust, and friendship. So I hope it was worth it.

I shouldn't want this...but I really really do want things to go back to normal. I honestly wish it didn't happen. Probably because I just hate being in pain, and being slightly depressed. I am so thankful that I have friends who are always there for me. My family and close friends are the only things that can make me smile again.

I don't know if you read my blog...probably not, but I promise that someday he will find out what you did. And I hope that he dumps your ass and you go through exactly what I'm going through. You are a low person, and you make me sick.

Starting over...

Just 2 days left until I fly home. I still don't think I understand that I'm leaving for good. Even with all of my stuff out of my room, it feels like I'm coming back. I'm totally dreading the morning when I say bye to my sister. I don't like leaving her here, but it's where she belongs. After a week or so, she'll get used to way of not having an annoying pest anymore :P But I'm really excited to be home and have a great summer with my friends and family. It's time to get a job and get ready for college..which I'm more than ready to do. It will be like starting over. Which will be good for me since the last month has been all down hill.

I'm ready for the next adventure to happen. A new chapter to begin. So, here's for starting over...

Had a great time at my party last night. I love these girls.

Thanks Chelsea!

Go shawty, it's MY birthday...we gonna party like it's MY birthday!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!
I woke up and sent my packages back to PA. Then Chels took me out to lunch. I pretty much spent the day cleaning up my room and re-arranging my stuff so it can be Chelsea's new office. She is making me dinner and then we are watching a movie. I also got to skype with Taylor today...for like 10 minutes but it was still nice of him to take time out of his day. Tomorrow I'm getting my birthday cake Roseanne made me. I hear it looks great! Then we are going bowling! It should be really fun...Also I got over 60 "happy birthday's" on facebook. What can I say?? The world loves me ;)

This year is going to be a good one.

You have the right to remain silent.

Today went by kinda fast. Did alot of packing. My room is starting to look different...it's sad. It will be my last room for awhile. I had alot of memories in that room...in this apartment. I guess packing everything up and getting ready to leave is bringing alot of thoughts into my head. Some of those thoughts should really just stay away...it would be better for me.

I don't know what it is, but I'm just not in the writing mood today. I mean, I have alot that I could say but I won't. I'll remain silent...for now.


Tonight I'm watching American Idol, pack some more, and eat ice cream all night. Then tomorrow is my birrrthdayy!

:) bye.

To a little bit of Chicken Fried.

Last night Chelsea and I ended the evening with watching Nurse Jackie, and United States of Tara. They are such great shows. Packed a little last night, and then went to bed. Last night was a good good night, let's just leave it at that;)

Soooo today was kinda stressful. I woke up to a text from Giana. Haha she had a surprise to tell me but I already knew what it was so I ruined it. Long story short, a friend of ours from 4th grade texted her, I found him on facebook, and now he is texting us both. I don't know how that is important to all of this but I felt like writing it down. Maybe because in 1 week I talked to 2 people from Line Mountain, (my old school) and it's been years since I've talked to them. It's kinda nice. Okay so moving on with my fabulous day..... jk, wasn't that great. Talked to Taylor for like a good minute, and I thought of one of our songs "chicken fried." Totally listened to that after I got done talking to him. Then, I got to skype with Jeanne and Lexy!!!! Alexa had no idea I was moving home next week and when I told her she got all excited and clapped her hands. That made me feel good. However, she was not happy about the fact that she has to share her bathroom. Hahaha. After that, I packed up all my clothes that I won't be packing in my suitcase. The big box is ready to be shipped out tomorrow. YIKES!

Tonight I'm watching American Idol and probably do some more cleaning in my room. Hopefully it will be another good night.

Oh! And someone who I thought didn't read my blog or would ever take the time to read this mess, did...and it made me feel great.

So thanks.

Thanks Nana...

Today was the day! Woke up and bought my ticket home for next week. Scary. I only have 1 week left here. The time went kinda fast for it being 9 months. I started gettng out some boxes and taped the bottom of them. Not sure how much I'll actually get done today but I have a whole week to pack. I'm trying to get rid of some clothes that I don't wear to save space...but I figured I should see if lex wants any of it first.

So this Friday Chels arranged a little get together for my birthday. We are going to Rock N Bowl!!! They play loud music and your lane lights up. It's suppose to be really cool, so I'm pretty excited. Roseanne is making me a cake...I asked for the colors to be pink with green pokadots. We'll see if that's how it ends up! I think afterwards we might come back to our apartment and watch a movie. Then, I have to say goodbye to everyone :(

I forgot to mention that my nana paid for my ticket home. She is such a good grandmother. We have always been really close and she has supported me in everything...even if I'm wrong. I don't think a grandmother can give more love then the love mine gives to me.

Love ya nana :)

The need to blog.

It is such a beautiful day here in LA. Too bad I'm not feeling well enought to go tan. So instead, I'm sitting on my porch typing away. I love looking around and seeing palm trees with the bright blue sky in the background. Occasionally a plane will pass by. Very peaceful. I'll miss this when I'm gone. Well, nothing new has happened but I just felt the need to blog. Andy said blog sounds like something that should happen in the bathroom. hahaha. gross.

So anyways, all of my friends have finals this week which means I probably won't get to talk to many people. That's ok though. Hopefully I'll be busy myself with packing up everything and shipping it back home. I can't wait to see everyone. My mom, sister, nana and pap, all of my friends too. It is going to be an awesome summerrrrr:)

That's all for now.

My damn future.

Today went as expected. I was suppose to get my ticket but that didn't happen. However I did get a couple of things done today, to keep my mind off things. Didn't work too much but oh well. Everything will make me feel better when I'm home. At least I hope so. I am so ready to get a job and prepare for college. Not sure where I'm going yet, but I'll let ya know. I'm so nervous for college. I haven't been in class since last June...I hope I remember everything and that I don't suck. hahaha. Also, I don't have a bedroom at my new house. Mom and my little sis moved into a 2 bedroom townhouse since I've been out here in California. It's a cute place, right in the middle of all my friends too. I'll just have to deal with the no bedroom thing for awhile. Summer is going to be so much fun. I have so many plans made it's crazy. Unfortunately, my job will have to come first. Alex and I are trying to work together so maybe work won't be as bad. I started job searching for jobs like a month ago and I continue here and there. blahhh...Getting a job sucks.

Tonight, Andy is coming over and we are just gonna hangout. It might be one of the last times we do. =/ After that, I'm probably gonna read and get to bed...


p.s. andy named this blog. haha:)

Hey Barbie, it's been awhile.

I can tell I'm not gonna like this weekend...the only thing that would make it better was if I got my plane ticket home. Even then it probably won't be that great because then I'll be sad about leaving and packing up my stuff next week. My sister and I made a list of some last time things we wanna do, which will be awesome because next week is my birthday!!

Today I went to target and got the best food ever. Came home, made dinner and watched 2 new episodes to Say Yes to the Dress. I love that show. I'm totally into all those wedding shows...Four weddings, Bridezillas, and whatever else is out there. haha...Soooo yeah I was suppose to babysit tonight but that got cancelled. They little girl's mom is my sister's good friend, and the little girl was sad I wasn't coming over anymore so her mom invited us over for like 2 hours. I got to play a shrek game, pretty pretty princess, and alot of barbies! What a night. Now to some snacks and a movie.

Catch ya later.

The truth hurts.

Ughhh. This Friday is not going to well. It's not like I'm having a bad day, it's that i'm just feeling extra down about things. The last couple weeks have been hard and stressful. I keep telling myself things to make me feel better. I still find myself in bed at night thinking up these stories that could never happen now. Do you ever do that?....Lay in bed and think about certain things that could happen in the future, or you would like to happen? I do it all the time. But then you come back to reality. It's weird how people change in the blink of an eye. The person you thought you knew, is gone. As much as you'd like to admit that they are still the same person, they aren't....and well, the truth hurts.

On a better note, my friend Alex got a blog! So now I have something else to read everyday. haha. If anyone needs help with getting a blog, let me know:)

Last night...

Last night I found out that one of my closest friend's has a blog! They didn't keep up with it much, but still. That's something I thought I should of known about. I guess I was just surprised. This person is a really good writer and very smart. The blog not only gave me inspiration on my blog and writings, but to be a good person. They reminded me how important family and friends are. Weird, all this from a blog. But this person is always there to help people. I know they have helped me out alot. If they ever read this, they probably won't think much.

Also last night, I received a text from an old friend. Don't you love that? We talked most of the night while he did his college work. I haven't seen him in a long time. Alot of memories came flooding in. I got to tell him that one day I plan to have a Yorkie. He's had one ever since I knew him. I guess you could say he got me started! Anyone who knows me, knows I love Yorkies. His mom still puts bows in her hair. So cute! Haha...So this summer we hopefully will get to hangout. We are gonna use my best friend's pool and go to Hersheypark. Ah! I can't wait to be home...

One Day :)

California

there has been a disagreement in my family of when i should be going home. they say june, but i say may! i am ready to go home and start working so i can save money for school. ughh...i thought for sure we were all on the same page. i mean why not may? i will have more time to work and airline tickets are cheaper. i guess we'll find out eventually...

anyways, i think my sister will be sad when i have to leave. i'll be sad. California has changed my life actually. i came out here to dance and get a job, but instead i found myself...found answers to somethings aswell. people can think it was a waste for me to come out here, and i know who you are, but i wouldn't have done it differently. i have learned so much and enjoyed my time out here. i know what i want out of life, and what i want to do. so, thanks california.

First blog.

hey! this is the first time having a blog and i must say, i have no idea what i'm doing! alot of people have told me that this is a good way to talk about things and let off some stress...and i have ALOT of that. hopefully, this will be a positive choice i have made. we'll see:)