I get by with a little help from my friends.

It's been awhile since I've written. Sorry! I have been trying to get a job like crazy. I think it's been 15 places that I've applied for now. Yeah...nothing. Ugh! It is sooo fustrating. Everyone is saying it's going to be really hard to get a job this summer. Yep, they were right.

Anyways. Everything else is going well. Got into Millersville, part-time. Which is good because I will be able to work and go visit friends on weekends. It looks like I won't be taking any trips this June, but whatever. I should be working anyways. Chelsea and T are coming home for 4th of July! Yay! It should be fun. I've been clearing my head lately, and just realizing some stuff. It's starting to work.

Giana and I went to the park yesterday and had the best conversation ever. Talked about pretty much everything. That made me feel great. She honestly knows how I feel and she doesn't judge me for the decisions I make. My bestfriendforever(: I think she is the only person who I honestly open up too. And thats fine with me because I would only like one person knowing how crazy I am :P Then after the park, Greta, Emma,Lex and me went to panera for dinner and then to target and the mall. Went hottubbing and got 3 great movies. Sleepover at my house! It was the best. I love my friends...and lex! haha.

I want to forget.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD.


It would be so much easier if I could just forget. But I remember everything.

i want to forget so that I can start over and be over this whole issue. But deep down I don't think it will change. Not the part of me forgetting, but the part of why I'm trying to forget. I'm sorry if you don't follow what I'm saying. This is kinda just me thinking in my head. This is also the whole reason I started a blog. To write what's in my head and get it out. Ever since it ended. (most of you know what I'm talking about.) Hoping that you read this.. But anyways, I wish I knew that fixing things would be the best option...but what if it's not? What if it's just not worth it? I get that feeling sometimes. Ughh. Life is so difficult. Like I don't want to waste my time if I'm not going to get something I deserve in return. It should just come naturally for you to do that. Ah! Look at me. All I do is complain and talk about my dumb problems. Sorry folks! I just really had to make a point tonight. But I heart you all and hope you have a great day:)


doe a deer, a female deer
;)

Back and Forth.

One second I'm feeling this way, the next second I'm lost. It's back and forth. I wish I would have a constant direction of how I want things to go...but I don't. So how are you suppose to know? If someone can answer that, please tell me. I only want things to get better. But I'm afraid that when they do, anything could happen again. Gah! My head is going crazy. I had a huge headache all day today, and today was the least unproductive day since I've been home. Wow, that sentence had the word 'day' in there alot. Hahah. Anyways, all I'm saying is that I don't want to make a mistake...but I don't know which way to go. My feelings seriously can change in less than a minute. And NO, they are not mood swings...or are they? Don't answer that.

Oh hey mom!

Hey everyone. Lately I've been applying for more jobs and trying to get into college. I just found out that I have to apply for this different thing for Millersville. So tomorrow is going to be a busy day. I have to get things done. I'm going out to get 2 more applications tomorrow. Hopefully one of them will be the lucky winners. I'm for real down to like $2. hahah yikes!

So I've been feeling really good lately. Not about anyone in particular, but just about myself. I'm so glad I decided to go to college and have a life for myself. That's what I really want. To be successful...and happy of course. All this happiness might have to do with the weather. It was so pretty out today. I really hope it stays like that! Greta, Giana and I went to swattera park yesterday and we had some really interesting stories :P kinda makes me miss last summer...where things were perfect! I hope this summer can be just as good, or better!

Haha today was my mom's birthday and we took her dinner and got her presents and whatnot, but what was really interesting was what we were talking about tonight. Somehow we got on the subject of well, sex. We were just openly disscussing it like it was no big deal. I never really felt comfortable to talk about it, but tonight was actually quite funny. So my mom just came out, asked the question and I told her the truth. I mean, I wouldn't have lied to her but still. So things are a little different between us, but in a good way I think. Another thing...I can't believe I'm writing this in my blog. Good thing not alot of people read this!!! :)

Casa class tomorrow! Can't wait.
Peace out.

Hold up wait a minute, put a little love in it.

Things have been good here in PA. I almost got a job going, and tonight I'm figuring out Millersville! I'm soooooo nervous though:( but it's for the best! So I have to do it. May is moving so fast! It needs to slow down for second, so I can catch up to it. haha

I've been hanging with Alex alot. We are trying to get jobs together. Hopefully that works. Greta and I went to the mall today, and I got a cuuute hollister dress, plus some stuff for Jeanne!!! Jeanne, if your reading this, you got some awesome clothes from american eagle coming your way!!! hahah.

So today was slightly ruined by my older sister. She really needs to like calm down. Of course she gets freaked out when she hears something to do with T. She got all up in my business saying things that weren't even true. We are really just friends, everyone. I mean, we were together for a year. I can't just drop him. I'm sorry if you don't get that, but I really don't care what anyone thinks. I'm really gonna do what I want. K cool thanks:)

Can't get what I want.

I never get what I want. My sister might think differently, but for real...I don't. Why do things have to be so difficult? I wish I could just go do whatever I want, and nobody would have a problem with it. But unfortunately that's never how things work. Life isn't suppose to be easy. And really, I don't remember the last time it was.

Got a job interview tomorrow....finally. It's not what I wanted but I'm just gonna take it so I can start making money. It should be rather easy. We'll see. Also, I'm probably going to Millersville in the fall! Now that is something that I wanted. Haha. Hope you all have a great day :)

Meet me half way:)

As much as I think things are getting better. It's kinda like they aren't. I mean yeah, I feel better but I'm stuck. Where do we go from here? How do you know whens a good time to start fixing things? or if you should fix them at all? These are the questions that keep popping up in my head. It's quite confusing if you ask me. All I can do is just wait and see how time plays out. However I think this is going to be a good summer. Something is going to happen, I can feel it(:

Can you meet me half way

Right at the border line

That's where I'm gonna wait...for you.

Wrote those lyrics for a reason;)

Oh, and Giana. You have been a really great friend to me this last week. Thanks.

Whatever is meant to be will find it's way.

Did alot of talking today with my old friend Lenay. We are kinda in the same situation. It felt good to hear her story and just talk to someone who is going through the exact same thing. It made alot of things clear. I know what I want. I know what to do now. Thank god! I'm not a cracked shell anymore. I really am feeling better and I'm starting to think that what happened was for the best. Everything happens for a reason. I always believed that.

Getting a job...real damn soon.



-If you love somebody, let them go. If they return they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.

Looking up and moving on.

Okay, I have been so confused lately. My feelings are so tangled. There is so much going on and so much being said. What I need to do is just stop listening to everyone's stories. That's how this mess got deeper. People really need to learn how to tell the truth, and if it's not the truth, please keep your huge mouth shut. This isn't about anyone except the obvious, and if I need to talk to someone, I will. However things have gotten slightly better so hopefully we all can just move on with our lives. I'm so done talking about it, except people still bring it up and I feel the need to defend myself and explain everything. Like now. So let's all just drop it for now, so I can try to have a good summer. Oh, and please know, that this is my life, my future, my decisions, and whatever happens in it is up to me...and if I happen to make a mistake again, I'll learn from it and will be a better person.



I was mean to you in my last post. But I was just seriously upset, and you put me there. So I'm not sorry for it. However I'm not that person. I'm a naturally nice girl, and I would like that it stays that way. You haven't ruined me completely, it just felt that way for awhile. But I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My life can only get better from here, so I'm looking up and moving on.


-Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.

First thing I thought when I woke up-I am so dumb. I shouldn't be nice to you one bit. I shouldn't treat you like a human being. Everytime I go to sleep I am so happy that I will escape the pain for a couple hours, but recently you are in my dreams. So it makes it worse when I wake up. I hate this. I don't have motivation to do anything anymore. Are you happy? That you completely ruined me. Well you seem pretty okay. I mean you weren't betrayed in anyway. And whatever pain you felt, you deserved much much worse. I don't understand how you can go day to day knowing what you did, and how much you are making me hurt. How you can stand there perfectly normal in front of your parents, or how you can just eat a full course meal. Probably because you loss all interest in what we had. Your curiosity took over a couple weeks ago. You can't control yourself. I noticed that 2 nights ago. And this doesn't even matter because soon you will get back to your life again and I know that you really won't care anymore. I'm not important anymore. Yes, you will have to live with this forever, but so will I! And everytime I think of you, the bad memories come first. You can get over things alot faster than I can. I noticed that April 5. Whatever... you are not who I thought you were, or who you pretend to be. I am amazing and it is your loss. Have a GREAT life.....................not.


I am so nice these days:)

I Promise.

Home sweet home. The first day was alright. I thought everything was going okay, until Wednesday night. My life felt like it ended. I wasn't even close to what I thought the truth was. I also can't go into detail with this blog because I only want so many people to know this hurtful, and disgusting story. What happened to me though was a bitch slap in the face. Like someone just ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it. This feeling hasn't gone away, and I don't think it will for awhile. Everything is ruined. The future that 'could of been' is ruined. You think that people care about you and never want to hurt you, but clearly they don't. My first mistake was trusting you. I only wish that there was a clear sign to warn me about all this instead of just getting hurt worse and worse everyday. I can't even begin to describe the pain and suffering I have gone through...and only time will heal it. I don't know who to believe anymore. There is a different story every time. Why do people make such stupid mistakes? If you honestly cared about someone there would be no lying, hurting, or betrayal to them. Don't you get that? I don't care how much someone isn't thinking in the moment. You just don't do that shit. Ever. And you both have lost my respect, trust, and friendship. So I hope it was worth it.

I shouldn't want this...but I really really do want things to go back to normal. I honestly wish it didn't happen. Probably because I just hate being in pain, and being slightly depressed. I am so thankful that I have friends who are always there for me. My family and close friends are the only things that can make me smile again.

I don't know if you read my blog...probably not, but I promise that someday he will find out what you did. And I hope that he dumps your ass and you go through exactly what I'm going through. You are a low person, and you make me sick.

Starting over...

Just 2 days left until I fly home. I still don't think I understand that I'm leaving for good. Even with all of my stuff out of my room, it feels like I'm coming back. I'm totally dreading the morning when I say bye to my sister. I don't like leaving her here, but it's where she belongs. After a week or so, she'll get used to way of not having an annoying pest anymore :P But I'm really excited to be home and have a great summer with my friends and family. It's time to get a job and get ready for college..which I'm more than ready to do. It will be like starting over. Which will be good for me since the last month has been all down hill.

I'm ready for the next adventure to happen. A new chapter to begin. So, here's for starting over...

Had a great time at my party last night. I love these girls.

Thanks Chelsea!